Clutter
She was waiting for me in the living room watching tv, she wanted to be with me, after she had put our daughter to bed. I made a cup of strong black bio coffee, arabic, not turkish, from Max Haveelar foundation, to ease my eco mind, and had an apple with me. I was going to eat it with the coffee, i wanted to try that. I went to the living room. My wife looked at me and said i was always the same, why was i eating that stuff, i know she hates that i eat when she wants to be with me. I thought that was going to be interesting. Now i not even allowed to eat an apple or drink coffee. She left.
I sat and started with the coffee and the apple. She came back, complaining about i don't know what, i wasn't listening really, i knew the better was still to come. Then she started getting physical, no problem, i can't do anything about that either. She left again, she went back again. I was still eating my apple. Then she started talking, now i was listening. She was complaining about my lack of attention, of me being someone that didn't cared for her, that i must had another person in my life. She had been looking (again) through my cellphone messages and calls. I don't care, i have no secrets. Only some parts of my life are private, but not secret. I don't believe in secrets, they can be found, always, it's a matter of commitment.
Then i told her what i feel, well, i told her that i don't know what if feel for her, and i don't know if i want to be with her anymore. I do have some idea of what we are going into, but kept that to me, that was not the time or place. She wasn't expecting that. She thought it would be like always, i would try to make things fine. Not anymore. I told her why. She called me a liar in from of all her family, when she was confronted with her own lies. Now i can't trust her.
Strangely, she tells me that if she knew that, she wouldn't have done that. Well, she knew. I told her many years before, when we started dating. She knew i just had finished with a girl because she triked me into thinking something that was not true, just to test me. After i couldn't look at her anymore without knowing. We can't have love without trust. She's lost control, faked some jumping off the window, tried to soft me telling me how nice i am, even tried to buy me. Again accused me of having an affair. I don't. She accused me of not telling her the truth also, well, omitting some parts. She knows i was always true to her. Even she can't tell otherwise. All of these things came up because of a work i have done abroad for a month. I just replied that when i came back, tired, i hadn't slept for several days, lucky to be alive, i was received with disbelief and fighting, from her and my mother. I just wasn't on the mood for that then. I am not on the mood to make an effort now. She said i had to make my mind in that instant, she wasn't waiting another second. She wanted me to leave. I told her that it would be a very bad choice to press me at that moment.
An hour or so latter of talking i was tired, we where going nowhere, so i went to bed. She said she was sorry, she asked what she could do. I looked at her, my filter blinking like crazy, and told her that she couldn't seriously expect to behave like she as been doing and hope it had no consequences. The only thing she could do is give me some space.
I don't believe it will work really, i just had to say something. I have picked up a lot of clutter in my life, i am getting rid of it. Since many years now i know what i need, what comes first to me. Lack of trust is not something i want to loose time with. I would rather drink coffee and eat an apple.
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